My outburst!!

I had always thought that I if start blogging..it would turn out to be something gross, something of the kind, I'm writing today..I just hope it gets better over time.

I have never wanted to blog..never ever..wanted to break my shell..not this way at least!
Reason?
It kills the very essence of my being someone, whom no one can ever understand. I really doubt that apart from my parents, my brother and some very good friends, any one has taken efforts to know the real - 'me'.

Most of them judge me, they laugh at my PJs. They say I'm bossy, loud mouth and heartless.
Oh!..I am already crying out aloud for always being misunderstood.

I'm pondering over things, over the explanations which I sort, for what I'm today:

Agreed I'm Bossy and have a sharp tongue.
Reason: It's the crap that people give me. They think that they can make the best use of me and my beloved family. But sorry boss, that's not happening with me around, at least!

Agreed that I'm the best PJ cracker in town.
Reason: The frustration which my career graph gives me..it just sucks to know that I have been the best of lot always. Somewhere, I have compromised with my priorities and I also know where. But really being cheerful by my own PJ's does help. It even helps the people around me and gives me some fresh air..

Agreed that I have turned heartless.
Reason: My dreams have been shattered time and again.My feelings questioned..
I had always wished to be the best daughter, make my parents proud..but for now..that's not happening..don't even know when this wait will be over. Cherry on the cake is the marriage on cards, the worst nightmare..because one thing I know for sure..nobody can make me happy by loving me unconditionally as my parents do. Never wanted to marry since I was a kid. But that has to be..I just can't stand my parent's so sad..when I know that I'm the reason ..when I know they have trusted me so much always.

Agreed that I'm closed and rude at times.
Reason:But that's because I want to save my friend's from getting hurt at a later stage. Better have less pain now then more in the end. I really care for them but by the time they understand this..it's always late.
I hate questions..Y's and what's and how's.. If someone is my friend or loves me..he or she will understand.Explanations or expectations are used by people only when they think of themselves . Can't they really empathize with me for once?? I have a well of feelings in the secret corner of my heart, but I guess, not even one single person in this world will reach it, ever!! I will keep on pretending to be practical and people will keep on taking me for granted. I have stopped expecting, stopped being expressive because I'm scared..very scared. Don't know when I will be able to break my shell.


But now ..after writing all this.. I am so much relieved. I don't know if I'm sharing this with anyone but I just know that I have jotted down 'a piece' of my emotional self, out here. Feels better already...


Even I have dreams of making it big time in life..taking my parents for a world tour, enjoying every bit of life with someone I love( let's just hope my 'would be' solves the purpose), have cute little kids(oh common', I am grown enough to think of this at some later stage), have my NGO and smile ..at all small and beautiful things in life.

Lets keep this between us, shall we?
Someday maybe..I will kick all the bloody backstabbers in my office.
Someday maybe..I will have an MBA degree in my hand!
Someday maybe..I will have my NGO running.
Someday maybe..I will take my parents and loved ones for a holiday spree..be happy in their happiness..
Someday maybe..I will meet the one person who knows me through and through..
Someday maybe..He will propose me with the engagement ring..and the rose..with love in the eyes and we will dance on the soft sound of the heartbeats!
An let's just hope he is a hard core "ROMANTIC" like me. :)